Not Very Grounded

As a lot of you know, I've not always been the happiest person. This blissed out person I am now is the result of LOTS of work. LOTS of long involved discussions with my Dharma teacher and my dad (who is a mental health counselor), LOTS of therapy, LOTS of yoga, LOTS of meditation, and a double TON of self evaluation. There was once a time when the smallest bump in the road would send me spiraling down to where I didn't want to get out of bed. But these days, even the most awful of days, I can keep going and find that inner joy and actually, truly (!!) access it. I've had major loss, career frustrations, relationship issues, etc., this past year and somehow I am still managing to stay within my bliss.

But...I'm not very grounded.

We were chanting in Bhakti class last night and sounds that should have resonated in my root were still floating up in my chest. I kind of chuckled that it was because I wasn't a very grounded person, but then I started thinking about that. Maybe I really am not.

Is being grounded an affirmation of accepting exactly who you are in exactly every moment? Because I don't. I appreciate the journey, and am learning day by day to not get frustrated with myself when things don't come easily to me, but at no point do I want to just stop and stay where I am. I am on a journey, people! And when you're on a car trip you don't just get in the car filled with snacks and stay in your driveway...no you move forward. You take in the sights...you stop at places you can't wait to leave and you stop at places you wish you could linger at forever. But you don't. You take some pictures, absorb the feelings of the place, and then you get back in the car and keep going. That's my life. Each step is a memory in the making...but it's not my life. I have a clear picture of the destination and the rest is just the road trip to get there.

Is being grounded accepting only what you can verify as real as the truth? Because that's a big negative in my world as well. I believe in SO much that I can't quantify or qualify. I believe in God (if you don't know that about me then you need to read this blog more thoroughly) and I believe I have seen spiritual actions in play. I believe in the gifts I am granted with in this life cycle. I believe in where my road trip is taking me, though I keep being told that it's not guaranteed...for me it's a given. I believe in the immense power of joy. It's that power that makes the most difficult things in the world bearable. It's the power that allows me to try new things because I know I will either love it or laugh at it, or often times both.

I am not afraid anymore.

So when someone looks at my light hearted self and sees someone frivolous...well that's their mistake. I have seen heavy...I have lived through it. I used to spend my life in heavy confusion, but now I spend my life in prayer to the Highest, and I grasp the gravity of the human experience. But my gift...my blessing in this life, is joy. So if forging through the experience of fear and still laughing, still being silly and cracking jokes, still finding humor in otherwise serious situations, is a sign that I am not grounded...then okay. I'll take my joy any day over that.

Finding My Balance

I've always been a believer in the physical manifestation of the metaphysical and spiritual issues we are facing in our lives. Think about it, haven't you seen someone fall heavy in love and also start to grow a little heavy in body? Or someone so stuck in their ways and mindsets also be plagued by joint pain or stiffness. Or when someone is overcome with stressors in their life, they tend to age years in the span of months. I call these God's little jokes. It's as if he is screaming at us, trying to tell us the issues he has sent us to work on in this lifetime. So when my doctor told me about a year ago that I had an inappropriate heart that was at risk of becoming too large, I couldn't help but chuckle at God's little joke for me.

I've always known my heart was too big...emotionally at least. One day I'll share with you the story of my spiritual revaltion, but I'm a little private with that piece still...it's intense even for me. But let's just say that I am often overcome with the enormity of my love...my love for my world, my life, my experiences, my friends, my God, and yes, even my love for my struggles. I have hurt in ways beyond description, and yet my redemptive spirit has brought me back both mentally and physically each time. And maybe it's because of this enormity of my beliefs that sometimes I lose patience with others (mainly those who don't believe in the positive or in the progress created through conscience effort) and most detrimentally, with myself when I try to skip steps in my journey.

A few months ago I had surgery to correct some things in my heart. It was needed to make sure I live a long and healthy life, but was I interfereing with God's signal for me? (Side Note Alert: Now don't start thinking I'm one of those people that don't believe in modern medicine. Nope, I believe in it, use it, and think that we should feel blessed to live in a world where even wildly complicated things can be fixed. My surgery was completed in part with robots and lasers...how cool is that??) But my heart had been telling me I needed to stop keeping all that love I was building up inside of it in. I'd been working on all these repairs to make me healthy and capable, but I hadn't tested it out...hadn't shared it with anyone. And when I got the go ahead to proceeed with my life, I full force jumped back into the gym, to running, to yoga, but I didn't jump back in to the life I'd been hiding from. I fixed the physical manifestation but I was still ignoring the lesson...LET PEOPLE IN.

In yoga tonight we did a double whammy of postures that made me re-evaluate things. First, heart openers. These always bring up intense emotions for me, but usually not until I'm driving home in my car. I usually get to the on ramp of the interstate when I start my inner monologue that often ends in tears of joy. It made me realize that I am so filled with joy that my tears are leaking it out of my eyes. (yes, God, I'm getting it) Damn opening heart!! LOL. But the real kick in the pants tonight was when we were trying to do balance poses. I've never been the most naturally graceful person. My dance teacher growing up used to joke that she needed to choreograph my life since only when the steps were outlined did I not fall down. Man, she was wiser than she knew. When I was going through my Yoga Teacher Training a few years ago, I did struggle with my balance. But as I sloughed off the layers of inbalance in my life, my balance on the mat improved. And as I strengthened myself, I also strengthened my body and guess what? Yep, my balance improved. When my doctors banned me from exercise for 6 full months, I was so wrapped up in other aspects of the matter that I didn't even begin to think about the whole balance thing. But as I fell out of pose after pose tonight I just tried to tune into the lesson. I am still off balance.

When life was empty, I learned how to be filled by my own spirit and there in was my balance. When I was frightened, I learned to retreat. When I was angry, I learned to be calm. But here I am now, full of happiness, joyfulness, love, and belief. So why am I off balance? Because...I am FULL. How can I begin to reign in my entire being to a place of balance and compactness when my entire being is pouring over the sides in rippling waves of want to reach out?? So just like my hyperactive mind needs stillness to function, my overlarge heart needs to purge a little so that I can once again balance. I need to learn to start to express all those things I've been holding inside. To release the joy I keep inside to spread and create new joy in the world. To show someone who maybe needs to feel loved just how capable of loving I am.

My old dance teacher was right. We can all balance better when we know the steps, but as I've chosen to live an unchoreographed life I better get used to recognizing God's little jokes and finding my own balance.