Not Very Grounded

As a lot of you know, I've not always been the happiest person. This blissed out person I am now is the result of LOTS of work. LOTS of long involved discussions with my Dharma teacher and my dad (who is a mental health counselor), LOTS of therapy, LOTS of yoga, LOTS of meditation, and a double TON of self evaluation. There was once a time when the smallest bump in the road would send me spiraling down to where I didn't want to get out of bed. But these days, even the most awful of days, I can keep going and find that inner joy and actually, truly (!!) access it. I've had major loss, career frustrations, relationship issues, etc., this past year and somehow I am still managing to stay within my bliss.

But...I'm not very grounded.

We were chanting in Bhakti class last night and sounds that should have resonated in my root were still floating up in my chest. I kind of chuckled that it was because I wasn't a very grounded person, but then I started thinking about that. Maybe I really am not.

Is being grounded an affirmation of accepting exactly who you are in exactly every moment? Because I don't. I appreciate the journey, and am learning day by day to not get frustrated with myself when things don't come easily to me, but at no point do I want to just stop and stay where I am. I am on a journey, people! And when you're on a car trip you don't just get in the car filled with snacks and stay in your driveway...no you move forward. You take in the sights...you stop at places you can't wait to leave and you stop at places you wish you could linger at forever. But you don't. You take some pictures, absorb the feelings of the place, and then you get back in the car and keep going. That's my life. Each step is a memory in the making...but it's not my life. I have a clear picture of the destination and the rest is just the road trip to get there.

Is being grounded accepting only what you can verify as real as the truth? Because that's a big negative in my world as well. I believe in SO much that I can't quantify or qualify. I believe in God (if you don't know that about me then you need to read this blog more thoroughly) and I believe I have seen spiritual actions in play. I believe in the gifts I am granted with in this life cycle. I believe in where my road trip is taking me, though I keep being told that it's not guaranteed...for me it's a given. I believe in the immense power of joy. It's that power that makes the most difficult things in the world bearable. It's the power that allows me to try new things because I know I will either love it or laugh at it, or often times both.

I am not afraid anymore.

So when someone looks at my light hearted self and sees someone frivolous...well that's their mistake. I have seen heavy...I have lived through it. I used to spend my life in heavy confusion, but now I spend my life in prayer to the Highest, and I grasp the gravity of the human experience. But my gift...my blessing in this life, is joy. So if forging through the experience of fear and still laughing, still being silly and cracking jokes, still finding humor in otherwise serious situations, is a sign that I am not grounded...then okay. I'll take my joy any day over that.