I sometimes find myself confused by people that don’t understand the different ideas of God. I always try to remember (not in an egotistical way!) that we were made in his own image, and I don’t know about you, but I am a multi faceted person. To everyone I know I am a different person. Now, I’m not trying to say I’m a fluid being with no sense of self, just like God is not someone entirely different in each religion (go ahead…read up on it and you’ll be AMAZED how many similarities there are!), but what I am saying is that different people require different aspects of my being.
In some parts of the world where the male ego tends to forget that women are also human, God needs to be tough and keep a heavy hand and try and prevent his children from sacrificing the life he’s given them in exchange for hatred. In parts of the world that are extreme have nots, God needs to be a safe haven and a provider, keeping his houses of worship more for bodily sustenance than spiritual. In places where God’s world is seen as achievable, God needs to be a teacher. And in this chaotic, ever moving nation we call home, God needs to be a listener and a comforter…things we aren’t really good at providing for ourselves.
For each of my friends, coworkers, family members, I am what they need me to be. To my yoga and Dharma teachers, I am a student. To some in both of these aspects, I in turn am the teacher. To my grandpa, who always wants me to tell him a “sea story,” I am a story teller. To my boss I am a worker and someone to pick up loose tasks; to my underlings I am a boss and a delegator. To my dad I am a daughter, to my sister I am either her best friend or a pain in her ass depending on the day; and to my mom I am a girl’s adventure provider :-). But to most of my friends, I am the laid back listener who is there to reassure and offer my often times philosophical opinion.
But (and I’m getting to the point of this entry here), to one of my friends I am just the person she needs to show excitement, terror, sadness, whatever, because it’s like she can’t fully appreciate her life until someone else does. Don’t get me wrong, I adore this girl, but I often feel you could replace me with anyone else as long as they cheered when she was happy and booed when she was sad. She is a BIG personality and sometime it takes a lot of energy for me to be around her. She is loud with every part of her being from her voice to her dress to over animated responses. She likes people around because she likes people to adore her. And the more I try to live an authentic life, a purposeful life, a peaceful life, the more I stop needing an audience, and as a result, it is starting to be hard for me to provide her an audience as well. But, I don’t want to lose my friend. So…here I am, at a crossroad.
On one hand, I think, how hard is it really to just dole out what she needs? To sound incredulous when someone makes a negative comment about her, to man/co-worker/family/friend hate when they done her wrong, be jealous when she finds a new man and falls in love in a week (seriously, it happens ALL the time), and amazed when they turn out to be different than she expected (this too has happened just as many times as the item before this). How hard is that, really? It’s damn hard!
I want the best for all my friends and sometimes we try, in an effort not to hurt them, to just be a sounding board for their own emotions about a situation. But, I’m trying to live a life of truth. So where do I draw the line between avoidance and flat out lying? Right now I’ve been planting my feet in avoiding because I honestly don’t know what to say. Part of me wants to point blank say to her that I disapprove of some of the life choices she is making. But then my inner guide reminds me, judge not lest ye be judged, and I haven’t always made the correct choices either. SO I shut up. Part of me wants to tell her she hurt my feelings about something, but then I remember that I am private with my feelings and no part of her is private, so I keep my mouth shut on that too. There are other things too and I just find myself shutting up. So the question I have is, am I denying my journey for truth by not speaking it, or am I keeping my relationships pure by protecting them from negativity??? Am I causing her more harm later in life by not trying to give her a reality/behavioral check now? Am I going to end up being the one apologizing for falling of the earth because she never knew I was upset? ???????????
Really though, the more I think about it, maybe the real question is, how much of a friendship am I protecting if I’m always blank within it and the other person doesn’t seem to care? And then, I look inside and wonder where that strong person I am for myself is hiding when I’m around her…
